During my last 'date' before the separation we were at a thrift store and I was experiencing a familiar relational pattern. He tried to show up for me by doing something with me that I really liked, but he couldn't slow down enough to see through my eyes. That's when I saw myself - in the form of my wedding dress.

Hanging there with all the other discarded dresses, I recognized her, noticed her, moved towards her. I lingered with her, photographed her, touched her, felt her.

Later I sought solitude and listened to what she had been saying to me. I wrote a poem:

I saw my wedding dress in a thrift shop. Two hangers for support. 

More than I ever felt like I had. 

I saw my wedding dress in a thrift shop. Laying there with so much potential for life to fill her.

Hanging from two hangers. 

In need of a warm, pulsing body.

Which is more than I ever felt like I had.

I saw my wedding dress in a thrift shop and I touched her. 

Photographed her. 

Admired her 

As she lay from two hangers… wrinkles etched deep into her chiffon skin. 

She looks a little different from the one I have at home. 

In my closet. 

Hanging from one hanger.

Breaking

From the weight of a lifeless wedding dress.

Heavy with hushed hope.

Needing another hanger so she too can hang by two.

Or maybe 

She just needs

To spill onto the ground in a heap.

Maybe she just needs

To let go.

The next morning I asked for a separation - because instead of using my energy to try to get someone else to hear me and see me and pay attention to how I felt neglected, I finally made the decision to do those things for myself. When I asked for a divorce months later and decided to move to NYC, I took my wedding dress to the park where he had proposed to me. My dress stood supported by a tree, adorned with flowers - including lavender from the bush at the home I was leaving.

She stood, heavy, sometimes falling...collapsing...and then I'd help her up again.

Finally I let her rest. Let her heavy body lay on the dirt. I said a final goodbye... to my marriage and to the me I'd always known. I gave myself the goodbye my ex wouldn't offer me - another opportunity for me to show up for myself the way I'd always wanted him to. I tenderly placed my dress inside her body bag along with her flowers and walked towards a completely unknown future.

No matter where I go I know now that I've got me. I see me. And I get to invite other people into that rather than rely on them to provide those things FOR me. Look at all of the intuition I had around what I needed. I will surely be okay.